What the hell am I doing?

When I graduated from university last summer, I didn’t really know what to tell people when they asked me the excruciating question about what would come next. With no clear sense of a particular career in mind, my future felt like a vast, dark space that stretched out in front of me, and I felt daunted by the task of having to find a profession that suited me (fulfilled me, stimulated me, financially renumerated me). It is hard to step away from the powerful myth that tells you your worth is linked to your productivity, and that a good brain is best used when it is making money.

I still hope to one day find a profession that I can grow into, enjoy, and work at until I feel like an expert. That kind of labour is rewarding and satisfying and challenging in all the right places – as work should be. But too often I feel that we let our work become more than us, to take priority over the instincts, interests and impulses that truly make us who and what we are. So in deciding What Came Next, I decided to let those essential elements lead the way.

I knew that at some point down the line I wanted to return to Latin America. I have always been fascinated by language and culture and I bloody love the sun. Thanks to my Spanish and the chunks of time I have already spent living in foreign environments, I felt ready to get stuck into a life outside of the cultural and meteorological coldness of Britain. I was tempted to get out there as soon as I graduated and in the stress of planning my next move, I was almost swept along with the tide that pulls us all towards constantly seeking and never stopping to take stock.

With some careful reflection I realised that I felt a call from within to move home for a bit. After a hectic summer full of fun and distraction, it felt right to be still for a while; to restore my energy, to reflect on the whirlwind, post-graduation months, and to focus on my intentions for the next phase of my life. So home I went, to work and save up and finally get my driving license and do some long-awaited introspection. I actually don’t think I realised how imbalanced my energy was after the summer of 2021 until I gave myself time to come down from the intensity of it.

When it all finally caught up with me and I understood that I had taken a step that my body and soul needed simply by listening to my gut instinct, I was instilled with a profound sense of trust in myself. During that period, I got a lot of early nights, I wasn’t seeing a lot of people; I prioritised consistency, stability, health and mental clarity. I spent 40 minutes every day writing about nothing in particular simply as a way to connect with the voice inside me. It was the most magically boring 5 months of my life; a real gift that took me by surprise.

In establishing a regular routine of writing, work, exercise and reflection, I showed myself the power of applied sacrifice. In saying no to going out, I came to appreciate what nights out mean to me: the ones I like, the ones I go along with for the sake of dodging FOMO, and the value of a night out when done properly and in the right company. In going against the grain and moving home to a town that many of my friends had left, I showed myself how to hear what my gut tells me I need. The time I spent working on myself, reflecting on my lessons and setting intentions for the next journey has given me a renewed sense of self and I can honestly say I am proud of my decision to retreat into stillness, not because it was the most appealing or exciting option, but because I felt deeply that it was a necessary sacrifice that would serve me in the long run.

I intend to keep up a regular practice of reflection and prospecting – in many ways I hope that this blog/diary will be a great way for me to check in with myself and with all the people back home who await my updates from across the world. I figure I could very well get started with any profession I might stumble into whilst I'm out here, but potential professions are not at the forefront of my decision to go. It is hard to know right now exactly why I am going. I don’t have a clear-cut answer as to what I am hoping to find or learn or do, but just as you can’t know a person before you meet them, neither can you know a lesson until it is learnt. I felt a calling in my heart and I am choosing this way, just as each of us chooses our own way in the big and the small decisions we make. It is a risky route which will test me in many ways, but in great risk comes great reward.

On this subject I will say that I absolutely recognise how fortunate I am to have the strong foundations that I do. In the weeks leading up to my departure there were moments when I felt completely overwhelmed by love and support, from friends and family and even customers at the café where I was working. In many ways it makes it harder to leave it all behind because there is so very much to miss, but it also gives me a deep feeling of security that I can hold on to wherever I go.

Throughout my final weeks I tried hard to hold on to each slippery moment, and to savour the familiar rhythm of familial life as I knew that everything was about to become absolutely and categorically unfamiliar. But I also know that I can face the uncertainty with courage and a deep understanding that it will all be OK, as everything always is in the end.

I know I am lucky to be able to pursue this vision: that my health permits it and that I don’t have family commitments or significant financial limitations, but I know that this journey wouldn’t appeal to a lot of people anyway. People around me are bemused, maybe surprised, maybe disappointed, maybe impressed. Maybe they couldn’t care less. They probably shouldn’t. All paths are paths worth following if they are accompanied by a deep and affirmative gut agreement, and if you ask yourself hard enough you should need no other reassurance.