The emptiness of self-development

I want to be the best version of myself. Who doesn’t? Of course, everyone has their own version of growing, a different way of improving, and a unique standard by which they measure the person reflected in the mirror. The idea of self-betterment is one that a great many of us share, but where does this idea comes from? This notion that you should strive to be something more, supposedly coming from the feeling that what you already are is somehow not enough. Whilst I was studying for my dissertation, I came across a description of the ‘new middle-class’ – people, most likely people just like you and I, who live in the modern (individualist/capitalist) world and are shaped by all of the norms and pressures of that world. Scholar Andrew Dawson writes that the ‘new middle-class’:

• Is moving away from communal forms of behaviour (which are now mostly voluntary and self-oriented) in favour of personal development, wellbeing, and individual advancement

• Prioritises consumption as a key part of a person’s life journey

• Values the individual as the ultimate decider of religious authority and the primary agent of spiritual self-transformation

• Expects rewards for efforts expended (in line with meritocratic-egalitarianism)

What all of this means is that it has become normal for individuals to pursue self-realisation (and all of the other pursuits of ‘self’: self-scrutiny, self-exploration, self-reflection, self-determination, self-expression) as a means to fulfilment. With the breakdown of the traditional family, religion and community structures, as individuals we take it upon ourselves to define our own truths. For me, this helps to frame the emphasis so many of us place on self-work and the relative modernity of personal growth as a pursuit or an ‘interest’. In the past, people may have found meaning and fulfilment in selfless acts of service, in belonging to a community, in faith, and in one another. Now, with the pervasiveness of social media and the intense pressure to ‘live your best life’, a large part of the struggle for self-development comes from the pernicious competition where every man is for himself, and nobody is going to ‘do the work’ for you.

Despite all of the self-development that seems to be taking place, depression, anxiety and stress seem to be rife, with as many as 1 in 8 people seeking treatment for mental health problems. I think the fact that, for most of its existence, the human species has revolved around community, and that individuals have been able spiritually and emotionally nourish themselves in this setting, is a really important reminder that there is no amount of self-realisation that can nourish the soul like connection can. Indeed, connection can come not only in the form of connection to one another, but also to self, to surroundings, or to experiences. Here, I think that the key idea is that connection can only be achieved in the present moment.

So many of us have become trapped in the cycle of pursuit, choosing to believe that ‘if only’ we could attain the things we desire and fulfil our potential, we will be happy. This is a really harmful (but really common) mindset that can block us from the presence, gratitude and connection that are unconditionally available to all of us at every single waking moment of our lives. By telling ourselves that we can’t be happy until we achieve a certain level of professional success, or lose a certain amount of weight, or make it to whatever destination is next on our list, we deny ourselves the chance to enjoy ourselves exactly where we are. When we make our inner-peace contingent on things yet to be attained, things outside of us, things currently unavailable and immaterial to us, we close our eyes to the only time and place that actual contentment is available: right now.

Happiness is not something that can be scheduled for a future date or put on the condition of any material requirements. In fact, happiness is a very unpredictable and fickle feeling that too many people see as a long-term objective. The truth is that nothing is ever going to make you happy if your definition of happy means happy-ever-after. Happiness is a choice, from day to day, moment to moment, to relinquish the desires that stand in the way of your peace and give yourself to the beauty lying beneath the surface of every moment, waiting to be seen.

So, can a person can be secure and content with their current life-status, satisfied with their relationships and fulfilled by their work, and yet also be ambitious for the future? I think it is natural to want to explore the different ways you might ‘better yourself’, but only when there is a clear sense of what ‘better’ truly means to you. Success looks different for everyone; when living by the metrics of the modern world it’s easy to find yourself running on the metaphorical hamster wheel, chasing an empty goal and wondering when you’ll reach your destination. However, we can make an effort to understand what makes us personally fulfilled and tailor our objectives accordingly, whether that be a greater contribution to community, a more mindful connection to the present experience, or a deeper relationship to fun and play. This type of applied effort can be invaluable for personal fulfilment and therefore undoubtably qualifies as legitimate ‘self-development’.

Personally, I have spent quite a bit of time reading books, watching YouTube videos, and having conversations about self-development. I have a rough vision of what I want my future to look like, and there are things that I wish for. I absolutely recognise that there is something to be said for the attainment of our objectives and the discipline it often takes to get there, however I have come to understand that this may be for other reasons than I had initially assumed. The value of discipline is in the sacrifice of our moment-to-moment desires, showing us that these earthly cravings are not what will bring true happiness, but rather that they contribute to a more meaningful and intentional existence. Sometimes struggle is OK; the hills of life rise as much as they fall, and only with both effort and ease can we realise the fullness of life’s spectrum. Of course, the goals we set may bring a good deal of satisfaction when we get the results we had hoped for, but if we didn’t have to sacrifice a little to get there, would the reward be worth as much? I am therefore trying to see discipline as the key to moment-to-moment fulfilment, rather than a painful means to a coveted end.

At my young age I am still exploring my own vision of personal fulfilment and success. I have learned that I find great value in applying myself and watching my skills at work, so I am exploring ways to feed this part of myself, both profesionally and personally. I have realised that I love meeting new people and exercising my curiosity in the unknown, and this is something I intend to keep practising after I come home from Latin America. I have noticed that I often don’t find fun in the places that other people seem to, which has forced me to ask myself the question: what does fun look like for me? I may not enjoy going to art galleries very much but I love creating my own amateur art, especially making birthday cards for my family and friends. I don’t tend to like mainstream nights out or generic pop music, but there is a lot of music I do like, and it has brought me a lot of joy to explore different, lesser-known genres and share them with people (to a variety of reactions). I am therefore trying to make a habit of finding and sharing music, that will hopefully become a larger and larger part of my life and provide greater and greater fulfilment. I love cooking vegan food. I love playing cards and doing jigsaw puzzles and drinking coffee and craft beer. I can fill my own cup by prioritising these things that make me feel good, because that is the whole point of life and success and attainment. I don’t always love exercising but I love feeling physically fit and capable. For me, this is a trade-off that is worth it, both for the effort of the sacrifice and for the welcome by-product of fitness (not all trade-offs are worth it, but nobody is going to decide that for you). There are so many things I am yet to explore about myself, but I think that discovering more about the things that make me feel personally fulfilled is a much better use of my time than chasing a cut-and-dried version of success that will never quite meet the ‘if-only’ condition I had expected.

“If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.” – Stephen R. Covey

A note to end on:

You are already good enough; successful enough; fit enough; interesting enough, you are already enough to feel happy exactly as and where you find yourself right now. If it feels like you're pursuing a vision in service of the future-you to the detriment of the present-you, you'd probably be better off dropping that vision. This moment is the only chance you'll ever get to enjoy yourself, and what good is success to a person who doesn't know how to enjoy it?